The Redhead

A man is dining at a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table who looks lovely in the light of a candle on her table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to get up, go over, and talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it on the fly out of the air, and then rinses it off in his water. Then he walks over and proceeds to give it back to her.

”Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she turns away and pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. “Please!?”

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams. He shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to go to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything is incredible!

"You know," he says. "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No,” she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Gun 'Em Down

An elderly local lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car found four males apparently in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men weren't waiting for any second invitations. They got out and ran like mad. The lady--some shaken--then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat.

Poor gal, she was so shaken though, she couldn't get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and tried, and then finally it dawned on her there was a problem. It wasn't her car.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spots farther down. Then after loading all her groceries into her car and feeling better, she decided to drive to the local police station. Sergeant Samuelson, to whom she told the story to, couldn't stop laughing.

He then pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car-jacking by a crazed, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, wearing spectacles, having straight, white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Anyone Speak Blonde?

A plane is on its way to Houston, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that because she paid for economy class she will have to return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde and beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, and that she belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot leaves the cockpit and goes over to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde and beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she’s a blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” Then she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her first class wasn’t going to Houston,” replies the pilot.

Art and Purpose

I want that glib and oily art
To speak and purpose not.

William Shakespeare
King Lear, 1605-1606

Classics

"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read.

Mark Twain, 1897