Cute Birthday Jokes

"When's your birthday?"
"April 22."
"What year?"
"Every year!"

Q: What song should you sing to a wildebeast on his birthday?
A: "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

Q: What do you say to a cow on her birthday?
A: Happy Birthday to Moo!

Q: What do you say to a cat on her birthday?
A: Happy birthday to mew!

Q: Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
A: It was a flappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the tree's birthday?
A: It was a sappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!

Q: What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A: "Hi, Buster."

Q: What does a clam do on his birthday?
A: He shellabrates!

Q: How can you tell that you're getting old?
A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A: Angel food cake, of course!

Q: What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake?
A: Shortcake!

Q: What do you always get on your birthday?
A: Another year older!

Q: What is your favourite type of present?
A: Another present!

Q: Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A: No, they both burn shorter!

Blonde Tiptoe Joke

Why did the blonde tiptoe around the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Two Women In Heaven

Two women arrive at the Pearly Gates and are comparing notes about how they died.

The first woman: I froze to death.

The second one: Ugh! How awful!

The first one: Yeah, but it really wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I started to get warm and sleepy, and finally I went and drifted off and died a peaceful death. How about you?

The second one: I died of a massive, horribly painful heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, and so I went home early to try and catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den reading the paper.

The first one: Yeah? And so what happened?

The second one: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house checking around. I ran up to the attic and looked around, and then I went down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and cupboard, every nook and cranny, and I even checked under all of the beds. And I kept it up until I had looked everywhere, but finally I was so exhausted that I simply keeled over with a heart attack and died.

The first one: Too bad you didn't look in the damn freezer--we'd both still be breathing.

Poor Paul

A man gets on the train. As it starts away he runs to the window and yells at the couple who have brought him to the train station:

"See you Paul. And hey, I loved the weekend! And your wife sure was good in bed! Really good, actually!!!"

Confused and curious, the passanger sitting next to him just has to ask:

"Please excuse my curiosity, but did you just tell that man outside that his wife was good in bed?

The man blushes and mutters:

"To be honest with you, she was really bad. But I didn't have the heart to offend the poor guy."

The Boy and the Dead Cat

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but that it was dead.
"How did you know the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy. "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' And it didn't move."

The Redhead

A man is dining at a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table who looks lovely in the light of a candle on her table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to get up, go over, and talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it on the fly out of the air, and then rinses it off in his water. Then he walks over and proceeds to give it back to her.

”Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she turns away and pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. “Please!?”

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams. He shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to go to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything is incredible!

"You know," he says. "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No,” she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Gun 'Em Down

An elderly local lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car found four males apparently in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men weren't waiting for any second invitations. They got out and ran like mad. The lady--some shaken--then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat.

Poor gal, she was so shaken though, she couldn't get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and tried, and then finally it dawned on her there was a problem. It wasn't her car.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spots farther down. Then after loading all her groceries into her car and feeling better, she decided to drive to the local police station. Sergeant Samuelson, to whom she told the story to, couldn't stop laughing.

He then pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car-jacking by a crazed, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, wearing spectacles, having straight, white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Anyone Speak Blonde?

A plane is on its way to Houston, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that because she paid for economy class she will have to return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde and beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, and that she belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot leaves the cockpit and goes over to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde and beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she’s a blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” Then she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her first class wasn’t going to Houston,” replies the pilot.

Art and Purpose

I want that glib and oily art
To speak and purpose not.

William Shakespeare
King Lear, 1605-1606

Classics

"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read.

Mark Twain, 1897

Forgiveness

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

The Wise Wizard

An elderly man visits a wise wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last forty years. The wise wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words used to put the curse on you."

"OK," says the elderly man, without hesitation. "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Forty Five Sayings That Should Be on Buttons

1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9. You! Off my planet!
10. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
11. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
12. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
13. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
14. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
15. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
16. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
17. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
18. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
19. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
20. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
21. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
22. Better living through denial.
23. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
24. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
25. Adult child of alien invaders.
26. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
27. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
28. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
29. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
30. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
31. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
32. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
33. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
34. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
35. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
36. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
37. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
39. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
40. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
41. I plead contemporary insanity.
42. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
43. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
44. Meandering to a different drummer.
45. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Experience

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Douglas Adams

Ten Inventions By Blondes

The waterproof towel

The solar-powered flash light

The submarine screen door

A book on how to read

An inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

A helicopter ejector seat

Powdered water

The pedal-powered wheelchair

Waterproof tea bags

Morris and His Father

A little boy named Morris goes up to his father and asks: "Hey Dad, where'd I get my intelligence?"

His father replies: "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

Divorce Court

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said. "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Stu and Leroy

Two guys are discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replies, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

Innovation

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

W.C. Fields

Moe and Joe

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

Self Control

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

W.C. Fields

The Universe

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

Little by Little

Little by little, one travels far.

J. R. R. Tolkien

In the Beginning

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Douglas Adams

The Purpose of Life

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.

Carl Jung

The Philosophy of Hypocrisy and Ambiguity

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

2. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Twenty Five Sayings That Should Be On Women's T-Shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac makes us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

Doctor's Visit

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Deep Thoughts

Ever wonder things like...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Four Sophomores

At this small college, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, mid-terms, and labs, etc., that each had an "A" for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive drive out to the country and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone out to the country for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire was flat?

Life

The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn't.

Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Writer, producer, film director

A Chinese Proverb

All that a parent can give any child is roots and a pair of wings.

Disillusion

A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Oscar Wilde

News

Whenever I see a newspaper I think of the poor trees. As trees they provide beauty, shade, and shelter. But as paper, all they provide is rubbish!

Yehudi Menuhin, 1982

Little Johnny

One day little Johnny asks his dad, 'Daddy, how was I born?'

His dad replies, 'Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! You see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with her and we met at a cyber-cafe.

'We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

'You've Got Male!'

Fear

Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Frank Herbert, Dune, 1965

Some Ideas to Ponder

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is there another word for synonym?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Huh?

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

UP!

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . . .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting,
why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP
for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?


We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has
real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP
an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be
dressed UP is special.


And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped
UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the
proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list
of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if
you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it
threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say
it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,
so............ Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night? U-P